I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
