my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Randomize
