I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
