You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
