1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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