I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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