you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
