dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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