You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
