The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You're a waste of cheezeits
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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