I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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