There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
