you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
