Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
