I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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