We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
