She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
No more Irish car bombs ever.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
This baby is an asshole
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize