I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
