Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
