never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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