I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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