They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
