is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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