I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
