mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
