its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
