i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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