He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
