if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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