I think my fart just growled at me.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
