My brain says no but my pants say off.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
