Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
