I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
