Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
