I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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