I accidentally had phone sex last night
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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