If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
