He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
