My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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