My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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