and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
