Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
