I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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