I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Houston, we have a blender
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
