Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
