happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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