i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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