Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
