im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
