i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize