So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
