eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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