Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
