I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I didn't notice because vodka
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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