So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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