I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
